Finding the P4; Stability

Journal July 24, 2006

The P4 – Stability, Pilar’s fourth request. It is also necessary for my sobriety, which also happens to be P1. Sobriety was Pilars first request, but it is for me now. I am doing all this for myself, … so I say sobriety not P1. She is drifting away. I am unable to chat with her during the days, and we will not be able to set up a lunch time because of my hours. She is drifting away. Perhaps it was not right, perhaps it is my higher power at work. This hurts. ...

Sitting in the lobby waiting for a meeting. I have to trust in god, lost my phone this morning, didn't work anyway, it was a business phone and I need to transfer it into my name. Then it rains on the way here. Two points here, my windshield wiper on the drivers side does not work. So I am wondering if I'll have to pull over, second I left my computer under an open window and I’m wondering if I need to turn around. So at this point I wondered if the job meeting I am going to is in Gods will, so I ask “is this your will God?” Then suddenly the rain stopped. Like wow, did that feel good. All of a sudden it’s like he said oops sorry, yes please go. I continued to the meeting.

The meeting. I would be foolish to say there is someone in San Diego in my industry who doesn’t know about my disease. The whole meeting owner of the business talked about leaving the past behind and living with God. We spoke for nearly an hour about this, when I had to admit I was a practicing Christian, in a home group, go to services twice a week, that I am seeing a counselor, and have a sponsor. He was satisfied I was seeking the help I needed, so he said lets take the next step. This was talking with someone from HR, who was himself in recovery, having gone through the 12 steps, knew what to ask and if I was being honest. At least he spoke first so I knew what I was dealing with. So I was honest, told him I was over 30 days, that I was on step two, and some of the conversations my sponsor and I had, and told him the rain story that I felt I might be getting step 2. He was not AA because some of the things he said were not consistent with AA, but possibly NA. He was satisfied I was working it and he set up another meeting tomorrow at 7:00am to fill out an application and discuss start time. This position will not tolerate me drinking at all, they know what to look for and when I’m not being honest. I knew this was going to be the place for me. Now I have more people to be responsible too.

The phone, Turns out the business account was shut down because of lack of payment. I will not be able to get my phone number back. So the only thing I can do is buy another phone, but I cannot afford it on the salary offered. So I'll wait, see if the position includes a phone, probably not for a while. Thinking, ….. I’ll need my phone in recovery, so I will have to bite the bullet.

Stopped for dinner in a food court. Sitting at the next table was a beautiful girl with this sad look. We're talking poor poor puppy dog. She did not have any food and there was no one around, so I brought up some conversation talked about the weather. After a minute she was on the phone with a cab company. So I asked her where she was going. She said she needed to get to the airport. We talked about her flight it was only 5:00 and the plane did not leave till 10:00. She was young, but dressed well not knowing her financial situation, and knowing I am always looking for something to kill time with. …. Away from a bar. I asked her if I could give her a ride. She agreed, but had to go to her hotel first. So we when to her hotel. I learned she was 21 (maybe) on the ride so when we got to the hotel I was adamant I was going to wait in the lobby. I typed in my journal some more. She was back after a few minutes and as we pulled out of the parking lot she asked about souvenirs. I mentioned seaport village was a mile or so from the airport and an excellent tourist trap for souvenirs. So we stopped there and walked around, talked about San Diego. She had very little money, I have no idea how she was going to pay for the cab rides, which would have been $60 or more. I was thankful to be with someone, drinking did not enter my mind. She enjoyed her time with me, but I was careful to point out once I am old enough to be her dad. She took some pictures, and my email said she would mail them to me. Well it does not really matter. I was thankful to kill a few hours.

Now I have to deal with the phone issue. Tomorrow after the meeting I will have to pick one up.

I was unable to get one today because the Nextel shop I stopped at did not have any of the model I wanted. I need Nextel because the walkie-talkie is the major phone communication I have with Pilar. So I work on my journal tonight. It is helping. Reading and cleaning my apartment. Bought a book on bringing God into your life. So I might crack that one open. Found and Audio version of the big book online, so I can play it while cleaning. I am careful to only listen to the chapters that apply to me 1-4. I would love to read more but my sense from my sponsor is focus on the step you are in now, and the book proceeds in order of the steps. I do have a habit of getting ahead of myself.

Journal July 25, 2006

Late. First day, just here to fill out an application. May not be a big deal. I miss estimated traffic. I was 20 minutes early yesterday, but that was for an 11:00 meeting. I know the traffic is heavier at 7:00. To make it worst I choose the wrong route. FUCK!! Well, I have to leave it to God. I did the best I could each moment of the drive. That was all I could do today. Tomorrow I can leave 45 minutes early. Damn the traffic was heavy. Ok, gods hands. ... Maybe this was not meant to be. I know I will be singled out as "in recovery". He makes it sound like its natural part of their work. My thought is, perhaps it is what I need now, but long term who knows. I definitely think it is Gods will what happens next.

The person I was to meet is in a meeting. Did he blow me off cause I was 5 minutes late? It happens sometimes in construction. Too many military. Did he just think I was a drunk still. I am not. Oh God what did I do. I have to leave it to God. Think I’ll prey a little.

Ok still in a meeting, I wrote in my journal, preyed, now I'll meditate. Starting to spin.

Fuck still in there, Its 8;00 an hour after we were to meet. But there is a lot of excitement in the meeting room. Yelling and things slamming. Randy stopped by. One of the Senior Project Managers I know. Randy and I first meet years ago when I was a glass subcontractor for him. I completed a few projects with him, persevering through the last one, but I finished it. We stayed in touch and he called me from time to time to bid jobs, I even referred some general contracting work to him. We always seen eye to eye, but I know I was a little expensive for him. He stopped by and said “hey Joe, glad you could join us,” and shook my hand. ...To me, that was God is there letting me know its Ok. Ok I am suddenly calm again. Think I need to occupy my mind so I don’t start thinking again, maybe I’ll play solitaire to take my mind off.

Journal July 26, 2006

Working with the cleaning ladies. Did not need to show my drivers license. Stressing over it helped me to get my restricted drivers license. It was such a stress relief in my everyday life. But what drove me needed proof for this job, and they were happy with my passport only.

11:30 and we are waiting on the carpet installers. I would rather go to an AA meeting. Feels like we are milking the job but truth is we have to be finished today. So we will wait. I am so tired, need to get used to these hours. Tomorrow in Carlsbad, that will be an hours drive. I'll have to leave the apartment at 5:00am. Think I'll try to go to bed early.

Going to need work boots and jeans. Hope they give me something more to do. I don't mind being humble, but not bored. Note for the future, stay on top of your schedule! So many wasted hours because the scheduled was not managed. There must be a testosterone driven macho man project manager working this project. What a dumb ass.

I will not be able to attend my AA home group meetings anymore cause of work. Need to start over with a new home group. I was just getting used to my current group, able to share my personal stuff. It will take me a while to feel comfortable with new people. I need the time and stability around me to be stable myself. I will miss Alan, and Fred, and frank, and Nancy, and Brian, and Brett, and norm, the new one Sergio, he is trying so hard I feel for him, and well there are so many. This suck, but somehow I believe I am in Gods plan and its all ok.

Journal July 27, 2006

First real day at work. God is challenging me big time. It is hot, my body temp is still elevated. I am used to an office environment, Air Conditioning, soft chair, computer. Now I have heat, dust, sweat. and physical work. Some of this you have to put your back into. I do, I am obsessive compulsive, I do not know how not to, nor do I know how to slow down. Its lunch, sitting here in a sweat soaked shirt, dust covered shoes, eating lunch sitting on the ground under a shade tree, …... feels like basic training all over again. I definitely do not know what I am doing, I prey God does. I am risking a trip to the hospital for heat exhaustion, but I cannot slow down. Am I stupid? Drink lots of water, good thing I left a case of water in my car, too bad its warm. But it goes through me as fast as I can drink it. Feel like a rain storm sweat drips off me so fast. Well the good thing is it is cleansing. I am sweating out some toxins, damn I eat well did not know how much I had in me.

Journal July 29, 2006

Saturday. Little misty in the morning but I did not let it discourage me. Kayaking has been on the schedule for over a week. Group from Orange County. Its part of a non-profit outdoor networking activity site I belong to. I attend events every now and then. Had a good week at work, I feel good, time to have some fun. And it was. Wish I was more social. I could barely get past the “Hi I’m Joe” but anyway. Took some good picks to share with my daughter. I was surprised that most of the group was my age. Last time I did an activity with this group is was all 30 something’s. Anyway I am glad I did it. Leaves a new problem though, what to do with my Kayak. I could sell it, I could store it in my living room and trip over it, I could rent space, which isn’t half bad idea except I cannot afford it. Bicycle locked it to my truck for the night, but it cannot stay like that. Eventually someone will take it. Besides I am driving to Carlsbad and it will kill me on gas, I should take the tailgate off. ¼ tank of gas a day, could cut that down a little without the tailgate and if I leave earlier so I can drive 55. Gonne post pictures on the web site and let everyone know. Joe is coming back!

Dated the PhD woman again. Patty. She is really intelligent, but I cannot read her. It bugs me, usually it’s the other way around, I can read them but they cannot read me. We meet on eharmony, and did the 50 question period thing, then I did her Myers Briggs test, she came out to be an EN something something. It was opposite of me, but according to the web site a good match for me. So we began talking on the phone. Then I got mixed up in visiting Megan, and lost track. But she came round, an email popped up asking what had happened. So we chatted again, I apologized and explained what was going on. She appreciated it as she also lost her kids in a divorce. So we went out on a date. Meet at a resteraunt of her choice, then afterwards we wanted to walk around a park and talk, but she had to drive. She openly admitted having control issues and explained even boating she has to drive. I’m like whatever I don’t have a drivers license anyway so maybe this is good. Walked around the park for a good couple hours chatting. She has some influential friends. I was a little intimidated, then at the end of the date we were saying our good byes and she goes to me, “this didn’t feel like a date. There wasn’t any nervousness, anxiety, or anything, it was like hanging out with a friend” Well that must have been a good thing but I took it the wrong way. So I again stopped communicating, but I also became mixed up in court hearings. Filed my BK and attended the child support hearing. After that was all over I was mixed up in the new job thing. Then she pops up on my email again. I was like what the hell. I explained myself again, and told her I’ll be ready for a g/f soon. That I was not in a place in my life as far as stability to have a g/f and I’ve been working for the last 4 months to straighten myself out, become stable, so I can have a g/f. I had to be honest, just did not mention my feelings towards Pilar. She wanted to go out again, so last night was date 2. We meet at a restaurant I am familiar with in the marina. I know it well and a dinner and a walk in the park there are so romantic, and there is a free live band that plays every Friday. Laid back classics like Margaretville. Makes for an awesome date.

I am so totally confused now. First she tells me about this ora thing, and how people who achieve pure white oras are elevated to another plan. We talked about this, it came to pass that the ora, white means the person is pure in honesty, and action, and has reached a higher spiritual level. She explained she practices some form of Buddhism, and she watched me closely. I gave no reaction, but said I understand Buddhism and the religion strived for that purity. I told her other religions also follow that practice of achieving purity. DAMN same message from AA it’s the promise, and from Christianity called living in God. SAME DAMN Message. So I told her I am receiving the same message from 2 other sources and I am trying to achieve it, but obviously it is new and I explained many of the recent changes in my life are a result of striving for this pureness. She hit me to my core. I was a little freaked. It was like a 2x4 hit me in the head, she is where I want to be. Then she goes on and tells me she is thinking about taking a contract in Philly for a year. We started talking about moving again. I told here how much I hated the snow, and we talked about our favorite cities. I told her again I was thinking of Boulder that I loved it there. She said she likes big cities. We both agree Washington D.C. is beautiful, and Pilly is in between Washington and New York. I think she hates San Diego, I been here 11 years and have had nothing but bad luck. I am thinking that perhaps San Diego is not where I am supposed to be.

So we go on and now she wants to check my humility, so with great suspense and she goes through some effort to build anticipation to criticize me on one point. She was right and it was a direct hit on Pilar. She said to be truly free of your ex-wife you would never say anything negative about them. I thought I was, but the first date was right next to my court date for child support I could have said something negative. She said if someone speaks negatively about an ex spouse that is someone you do not want to be with. It was a direct hit on Pilar because I am often the vent for her to spout off against her ex-husband. I felt she was giving me the old heave-ho because I said something negative about Pam. Do you notice something, all the significant women in my life, Pam, Patty (from TJ but thats another story), Pilar, and now Patty again a different one, all "P"s. anyway I digress.

Ok so she knocked me down, Then what does she do? She goes on and explains she dates very very little, and is extremely selective. She says her time is valuable and her attention span short so she does not waist time on dates. She goes further that she is self supporting and happy with her life as is and there is no reason for her to bring someone else into it. So now I'm thinking here it comes, the blow off. Then she goes to me, we are on our second date and that is rare with me, lets see were it goes. Like she wants to see me again. ARRG

So I am thinking what the hell is going on. First she tells me she is slightly A.D.D. and so I admit I am a little hyperactive too with a short attention span. Then this ora thing, which I admit I am seeking to achieve now as well, then the moving, then the knock down which felt like a break up, then the 2^nd date convo. I am like totally spinning now. So dinner is finished and she insists on paying for it. There was no choice, there never is with her. When she wants something its best just to stand back. She was not interested in the walk, thank god. As spun as I was who knows what would have happened. But with the no on the walk I pretty much decided in my head it was done. Then what does she do? She tells me to walk her to her car. No, its more like an order. Why do this, why ask me to walk her to her car if she blowing me off? She asked me what I thought of the situation. Well I am spinning and know my thoughts are messed up at the moment, which I would need to write them down in my journal and analyze it.

I was like I am not sure, I said there was all kinds of messages both positive and negative, however I am leaning toward, it’s a "see ya later have a nice life." I said if you want to date again I am open for it, but I’ll wait for your email.

LOL that too. She knew I analyze everything too much. I know I do but its just who I am, she also knows I try too hard. Been told both those things for as long as I can remember. Literally, some of my earliest memories involve being told these things. How does she know all this? We haven’t known each other long enough. She hits everything on the nose. FUCK

At the end of the date we have a conversation that I could not read her and I am receiving mixed signals if she likes me or not and that I am uncomfortable with it. I did tell her that I talk to Pilar about her and Pilar said she is the only one that would be good for me. Damn is that ironic? Talking to someone I would prefer to be with about a date and listening to her tells me the date is good for me? I feel so messed up. She goes on and tells me she can see right through me and knows what is going on. This is not true, no one is that perceptive, but I will admit she is pretty damn good. I know I let her in on my tatoo without saying it out load, I was supprised she didn't call me on it. She mentioned no one in her circle of friends would ever have a tatoo. I said tatoos are common in sothern cali. She goes on that its permanent and the type of people who get them are thugs, military, or addicts. HA ! she had me there. So I let the conversation progress, and after a few minutes I said, "I am not a type of person in your circle of friends, I am outside of it, but I can mingle with them and they would not know the difference."